I came to a bit of a halt in my nursery decorating over the past few weeks. This is where it stands right now. I've pickled plain frames pink to put family photos in to hang in a pattern on one of the walls. I did finish my butterfly-crystal mobile..... it's quite magical with the midday sun and breeze fluttering the butterflies and mirrors. If she doesn't watch it, I sure will!
But, as I said, I kind of took a pause on the decorating and spent some time refocusing and thinking. I realized that, similar to planning a wedding, it's easy to get caught up in the color scheme and registering for those perfect necessities and getting excited about family coming, and the MAIN event becomes overshadowed. It hit me......hard.... on the way home from work the other night the reality and magnitude of all of this. I was tired and my body hurt and Willow was in a very uncomfortable position with little feet poking my ribs as I was driving. I started patting my side and talking to her and she shifted a little and it struck me that "Oh my, I'm really the mommy". Am I ready, have I prepared myself, have We prepared ourselves to be parents, what are we missing, what should we be doing, thinking, reading, praying to get ready????? I thought back to our wedding planning time and remembered experiencing very similar feelings and how I had pulled back from all the wedding details and planning specifics, retreated into my room and asked God to show me, work on me, prepare me for this new role. It was a sweet time and I'm so thankful He stopped me in my tracks and captured my attention from the distractions back to the MAIN thing.
So I've been reclusive a bit lately, refocusing and soaking in the reality of this life changing event that I know I couldn't possibly be fully prepared for. I've been thinking about what I hope for Willow, what do I want for her, from me more than anything. I pray for the obvious things of wonderful health, a sharp, inquisitive mind, a kind, generous heart towards others. I wouldn't complain about an excellent little athlete or super star student or socially skilled, charming child. But above all, I want her to love the Lord. I beg for, cry for her to have an insatiable hunger for Jesus, to want to know Him and love Him so much more than she does me. To be content and comforted by learning about Him and His truths, to want to spend time alone with Him.
My sister recently told us about Max, her four year old, coming into the living room and proclaiming "Mom, lets praise God. You don't have to close your eyes, you just tell Him." Right then and there, they praised God. It brings tears to my eyes to think of Max's little heart desiring that, and acting on it at that instant. Oh, that's so what I long and hope for our little Willow, that she just has to praise God because she can't stand not too.